When it was time to trade in my aging BMW e46 M3 for the newest craze, the BMW e92 335i, it became very clear that the decision I made would become a heartbreaking and emotional experience. Of any car I've ever owned from the juvenile age of 16, letting go of my e46 M3 I coined "Betsy" was as gut wrenching as breaking up with my high school sweetheart. What seemed to be a practical thing to do turned out to be many months of separation anxiety.
What was it about this new BMW that made me feel so empty? I've owned a few and never felt this way before. How could such a wonderfully refined automobile with so much horsepower and sophisticated technology be so.... should I say, humdrum? It was quite puzzling to say the least and not even a box of Advil could cure this woe.
After many sleepless nights and hearing buyer's remorse knocking at the front door, I realized it was time to face the reality that my e46 M3 was gone and that this new BMW would require some major relationship building, much like marriage. But what scared the hell out of me was I was already on my second one.
What followed were many emotional ups and downs and although I was confident I'd overcome it, the feeling never quite hit any zenith. Sure, the bimmer is fast, but not fast enough and couldn't be because it would compete too closely with the new e92 M3. The brakes were far more amazing than my old M3, but unfortunately overkill for a car with 300 hp. And the handling was far too predictable and monotonous with no sense of excitement or danger. My new BMW felt like a summer movie flop and the only thing my mind could conjure up as any sense of relief would be to wait for the new M3. I'd have to stick with this marriage for a little while longer and be as patient as one man can be, and we all know that ain't easy.
Then the holidays trickled in. What a blessing in disguise. I could finally ponder other things rather than my bimmer and the sudden and surprising rants about how disappointing the new M3 is. It was one thing to be disenchanted about my 335i but now the M3? What was going on here? Was this a conspiracy my wife created so I'd stop obsessing over BMWs? A superpower that I didn't know about? More pondering.
Planning a Thanksgiving feast for friends and family isn't easy and nothing is more insane than hitting the malls on Black Friday. What is it about Black Friday that makes people so nuts? Is it the 50% off sales? What ever it is, I know for me, it's the build up of something great to come. And this Christmas something wonderful came along and it was Dinan's press release on December 10th, 2007.
Dinan announces their new BMW 335i warranty covered software reprogram that delivers a stunning 384 horsepower at 5700 rpm and 421 lb-ft torque at 4300 rpm! What incredible timing. Could this be the cure I've been searching for? Now, I've read about aftermarket chips and so on over the years and didn't take any of it too seriously. But this announcement really hit me like a drunken punch at a party gone wrong. Could a simple DME reprogram really produce such incredible results and actually not risk my BMW warranty? One call to Dinan and then to SFBMW validated my findings and before I could even ask my wife permission the appointment was made as hastily as the day I traded in my e46 M3.
Today I cautiously picked up my BMW with the Dinan software and within a quarter of a mile from the dealership I knew my bimmer had been reborn - much like Darth Vader at the end of Episode III. Although it's not speaking like James Earl Jones the exhaust sounds like him, honestly. It's throatier and the throttle mapping is smooth and absent of the jittery and jerky touches as it once had.
The sheer horsepower and torque is so shockingly sudden that the 335i rides on the edge of insanity. The hefty brakes feel in complete harmony with the power and the heavy steering and stiff chassis have now become synchronized. I knew after I hammered the gas pedal at 50 mph and lost traction that I had power under my control that was like nothing I had ever experienced in my e46 M3. My once humdrum BMW is now an animal that's thrilling and unpredictable.
After the rain broke this afternoon there were some mind-blowing moments driving through the twisties near Moss Beach. I felt like Jeremy Clarkson from Top Gear test driving the new BMW M5 which I saw on youtube.com a few months ago. How exhilarating and imaginable. I'm baffled that just a simple software installation can produce such amazing results and I can truly say that I have finally found the perfect marriage of engineering, power and me.
My only criticism is now my neck hurts and you need to keep both of your hands on the steering wheel.
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